3/10/2016 c4 Kurrah
You never made it clear (especially with the title of this chapter (4)), and I can't imagine Carth, especially as you have written him not asking, if she actually had to sleep with the sith to get the armor or if she just set her blaster for stun.
Anyway, the story is well written so far, with few typos, but the main character seems to be having a split personality disorder, and I mean apart from the Revan/Kyrena one. You have the angry inner Revan thing going on, but that's not what I am talking about. Is Kyrena a scared little girl, out of her depth or is she a competent scout that ruthlessly manipulates drunk men one way or another into giving her their stored up armor? You can't have both because they are a direct contradiction of each other.
Also writing the male Revan/Bastila story is easier than the female/Carth one because Revan and Bastila are connected interpersonally on a level to which they are in each other's heads, but she is still hiding a secret from him, of who he his and her part in stealing that away from him in order to use him without his knowledge. It makes for good story telling. You have to put in that much more effort into the Carth relationship because he is just a nobody pilot with trust issues. He isn't bonded to her in any way, they just happened to be on the same ship at the same time and needed to escape in the same pod. I don't know if you do this in the latter chapters, but right now he his just this old guy that has the hots for some young girl that he admits could be his daughter, who he wants to think of as an innocent girl, but in truth is more than willing to go off with some drunk sith on a whim. And so far the only thing that I have learned is to never trust a scout.
Like I said the story is well written, but some of the characters are lacking a solid character and a believable connection to each other. While their interactions between each other are understandable, they aren't leading to anything. Also if he his in his early forties and she is young enough to be his daughter she can't be any older than twenty five at the max and that's if he was considering that he could have had a daughter while still in his teens. She's probably younger, that doesn't leave her enough time to have led two wars. Heck I wouldn't trust a eighteen to twenty year old girl to wash a car, let a lone lead a war. Don't care if she has the force power to lift that car and throw it 20 miles, there is no way I am putting my life in her hands. I know that you have everyone thinking that Revan is a man behind that mask, but many people would know the truth. She was a jedi before hand and all of her fellow dark jedi would know. Her voice would also be a dead give away.
I am interested to see how you write Bastila's character.
You never made it clear (especially with the title of this chapter (4)), and I can't imagine Carth, especially as you have written him not asking, if she actually had to sleep with the sith to get the armor or if she just set her blaster for stun.
Anyway, the story is well written so far, with few typos, but the main character seems to be having a split personality disorder, and I mean apart from the Revan/Kyrena one. You have the angry inner Revan thing going on, but that's not what I am talking about. Is Kyrena a scared little girl, out of her depth or is she a competent scout that ruthlessly manipulates drunk men one way or another into giving her their stored up armor? You can't have both because they are a direct contradiction of each other.
Also writing the male Revan/Bastila story is easier than the female/Carth one because Revan and Bastila are connected interpersonally on a level to which they are in each other's heads, but she is still hiding a secret from him, of who he his and her part in stealing that away from him in order to use him without his knowledge. It makes for good story telling. You have to put in that much more effort into the Carth relationship because he is just a nobody pilot with trust issues. He isn't bonded to her in any way, they just happened to be on the same ship at the same time and needed to escape in the same pod. I don't know if you do this in the latter chapters, but right now he his just this old guy that has the hots for some young girl that he admits could be his daughter, who he wants to think of as an innocent girl, but in truth is more than willing to go off with some drunk sith on a whim. And so far the only thing that I have learned is to never trust a scout.
Like I said the story is well written, but some of the characters are lacking a solid character and a believable connection to each other. While their interactions between each other are understandable, they aren't leading to anything. Also if he his in his early forties and she is young enough to be his daughter she can't be any older than twenty five at the max and that's if he was considering that he could have had a daughter while still in his teens. She's probably younger, that doesn't leave her enough time to have led two wars. Heck I wouldn't trust a eighteen to twenty year old girl to wash a car, let a lone lead a war. Don't care if she has the force power to lift that car and throw it 20 miles, there is no way I am putting my life in her hands. I know that you have everyone thinking that Revan is a man behind that mask, but many people would know the truth. She was a jedi before hand and all of her fellow dark jedi would know. Her voice would also be a dead give away.
I am interested to see how you write Bastila's character.
11/3/2015 c4 2Dablackwyrm
Well this was a fun way to grab the armor. was expecting more explosions and gunfights. So far Carth is acting just like his game self. And Kyrena is great. Can't wait to see the lower city
Well this was a fun way to grab the armor. was expecting more explosions and gunfights. So far Carth is acting just like his game self. And Kyrena is great. Can't wait to see the lower city
8/14/2014 c4 17Lord Jaric
The flirting and Carth's brooding were funny. I have to say up to this point in the story I feel that the develpment of fellings is happening a little too quickly
The flirting and Carth's brooding were funny. I have to say up to this point in the story I feel that the develpment of fellings is happening a little too quickly
4/9/2014 c4 Guest
Chapter 4: taking a plot point and fleshing it out jnto something comprehensive and realistic? Nice. Actually taking the contrived and ignored "pcs can carry ten thousand guns and suits of armor with no problem" and addressing it? Brilliant. And I'm also enjoying the slow, subtle build of carth and revans relationship, as well as the sporadic flares of power/force inside revan.
Chapter 4: taking a plot point and fleshing it out jnto something comprehensive and realistic? Nice. Actually taking the contrived and ignored "pcs can carry ten thousand guns and suits of armor with no problem" and addressing it? Brilliant. And I'm also enjoying the slow, subtle build of carth and revans relationship, as well as the sporadic flares of power/force inside revan.
7/18/2013 c4 3SidekickKep
Interesting take on kotor so far. I can already tell it's taking a unique root and I'm hoping for a lot more of those brilliant, sudden, ingenious moments that define Revan. I already enjoy her tactical skill so far, and thus am eagerly awaiting more out of this fic!
Additionally, Carth's short fuse, I've always admired when it came to his character and you pulled it off well, and, best so far, I like how you've twisted Dead Eye Duncan into something useful. For more convincing for Ajuur have him scout out the talent versus being a throwaway duelist.
Thanks and update soon!
Sidekick
Interesting take on kotor so far. I can already tell it's taking a unique root and I'm hoping for a lot more of those brilliant, sudden, ingenious moments that define Revan. I already enjoy her tactical skill so far, and thus am eagerly awaiting more out of this fic!
Additionally, Carth's short fuse, I've always admired when it came to his character and you pulled it off well, and, best so far, I like how you've twisted Dead Eye Duncan into something useful. For more convincing for Ajuur have him scout out the talent versus being a throwaway duelist.
Thanks and update soon!
Sidekick
6/25/2013 c4 RB23G
Good chapter. I especially like how you showed how Kyrena and Carth actually planned things out yet still managed to skip all the boring parts of that kind of thing.
I do have one nitpick with how Carth referred to Revan as he and him. In the game Revan was never referred to by either him/her or he/she. At least not in the original X-box version I don't know about any updated version however. Besides given the givens it's a little confusing. Or maybe it's just Kyrena who is 'Very' confused. Or maybe Carth's just an idiot.
Can't help but wonder if Kyrena having that stranger help her carry the captured Sith armor might come back to haunt her later.
Again good chapter, and thank you for writing and sharing.
Bastard by birth, U.S. Cavalry by the grace of god. RB23G out.
Good chapter. I especially like how you showed how Kyrena and Carth actually planned things out yet still managed to skip all the boring parts of that kind of thing.
I do have one nitpick with how Carth referred to Revan as he and him. In the game Revan was never referred to by either him/her or he/she. At least not in the original X-box version I don't know about any updated version however. Besides given the givens it's a little confusing. Or maybe it's just Kyrena who is 'Very' confused. Or maybe Carth's just an idiot.
Can't help but wonder if Kyrena having that stranger help her carry the captured Sith armor might come back to haunt her later.
Again good chapter, and thank you for writing and sharing.
Bastard by birth, U.S. Cavalry by the grace of god. RB23G out.
6/24/2013 c4 7Mother of Ducklings
Oh, Carth. So paranoid. Oh, Revan. So livid. I like how she's even more pissed when the Sith tries to grope her than she is in a firefight.
Oh, Carth. So paranoid. Oh, Revan. So livid. I like how she's even more pissed when the Sith tries to grope her than she is in a firefight.
6/17/2013 c4 1sirigirl157
I officially love this story! I am hopeful that this going to end up a Carth/revan story, they are my favorite pairing, but I won't like it any less if they don't. Please update soon!
I officially love this story! I am hopeful that this going to end up a Carth/revan story, they are my favorite pairing, but I won't like it any less if they don't. Please update soon!